I didn’t exactly have high hopes for myself once I decided to dip my toes back into the dating pool. I knew I wanted to ease myself back into it but also wanted to be able to do it from the comfort of my couch while sitting in my underwear and stuffing my face with pizza or let’s be honest, from the comfort of my toilet.
Enter Bumble. It’s described as a feminist Tinder in that women have to make the first move within 24 hours after being matched with someone or else that match disappears forever. Dun dun dun! I liked that concept. I’ve taken control before and asked guys out. How hard could this be?
I downloaded the app and made my profile. Soon, I was humming and hawing over each match. Do I swipe left or right? I don’t even remember if a swipe right is a yes or no but I was pretty picky with it. I wanted someone who had the same hobbies as me and was down to earth. I saw a lot of people I knew which was kind of awkward. My game plan took me forever to get through the matches. It all went out the window one day when I felt overwhelmed and I started basing my decision on “would I sleep with this dude?” I rarely swiped right and then I landed on my now-fiancé’s profile. It was a shot of his perfectly chiseled chest and abs from the mouth down. “Damn, who dis?!” I thought to myself. I’m not sure why but it took me forever to make a decision. I just stared at his pictures trying to figure out how such a handsome and fit man was single? Then my ego popped into my head and said “well, you’re hot and single as well. He might be in the same boat as you. Would you sleep with this dude?” Before I knew it, I swiped right. I was shocked with myself but carried on with swiping. Soon, I was met with a “We’re out of matches for you”. Well, shit. I’ve just been through the whole city from the comfort of my own toilet.
Imagine my surprise when that fine specimen of a man messaged me back. Joyest of all joys! We messaged back and forth in the app and soon exchanged numbers for texting. I was starting to really like the guy. He had the same humour as I did, liked doing the same things and also hated all people (inside joke but also not totally kidding. Haha!). Then all of a sudden, the messages stopped. I was sad. I had finally made a connection with someone and they just stopped messaging me. Was I being ghosted? Was it something I said?
A week passed and I was both angry and sad. I tried to get over it. I messaged him on the Bumble app and texted him but no reply. My imagination went wild. Was he cat-fishing me the whole time? Was he a married man and his wife caught him messaging me? Or was “he” a woman?
I finally got a message from him saying that he had dropped his phone (right, buddy, right) and that he was sorry. He even sent me a video of his phone on the fritz (aww, that was a cute touch). I wanted to call his bluff so I said we should meet up and invited him to my birthday potluck. He told me this later but he shit his pants and declined the invite. I, however, was very persistent and wanted to see if this guy was for real so after day drinking in the sunshine at my potluck, two friends and I decided to go to the club where he worked security on weekends to see if he was, in fact, real.
We rolled up into the club and danced. I didn’t see him anywhere and it was time to go. My friends had to use the washroom and that’s when I saw him. He was real!!! OMFGLOLWTF! I drunkenly looked at him then walked up to him and gave him a hug. I also tried to cop a feel but couldn’t find his butt. Don’t judge me! It was my birthday! Yes, I was a grown ass 33 years old but he told me that by coming to his work showed that I had initiative and he agreed to meet up with me for a walk in the park the following Wednesday. He was super cautious in who he dated (long story but he got involved with a transgendered girl that he didn’t know was transgendered until one of her ex’s messaged him. Can you start to see how we both have unconventional dating histories?). He said he was super nervous for our walk but the rest is history. Everything has been so easy since we got together. I think I’ll leave out some parts when I tell our kids how we met. Ahaha!